Losing a child, does not mean your less of a woman
Baby Loss Awareness Week 2020
This week was Baby Loss Awareness week and I wanted to share my experience of miscarriage. To encourage other women, who have lost their babies that talking about their loss can help them heal.
If you read the heading, this was how I felt when I had a miscarriage. As a woman I thought the one thing I should be able to do is conceive. So, when I lost my son at 16 weeks, I thought something was wrong with me and I placed a lot of blame on myself.
I should not have done this because losing my baby was not something that I could control or prevent.
When I attended my first scan, the doctors told me my son had a cyst on his umbilical cord. This eventual grew too big and stopped his air supply. Although I knew that a cyst was not a normal thing to appear, I remember feeling as though everything will be fine. Maybe because at the time the doctor did not make it seem like it was something too serious to worry about. So when I went back for my follow up scan, I did not expect them to announce that my son had died. My heart literally stopped in that moment. I was so shocked because even with what they had told me, him dying was never in my thoughts.
From that point on, I lost myself as well as my son. For weeks, I did not want to tell anyone. I did not speak about my miscarriage or my son. I could not acknowledge that he had gone, because he was never here. I Shutdown and I Shutoff. I declined the counselling offered and bottled everything down to try and numb the heartbreak. If anyone asked, “how are you?” I would respond “I’m fine” or “I’m OK” or “yes, everything is alright”. But it really was not, I was hurting inside daily and I just could not speak. Looking back, I think I feared being judged.
Miscarriage is a 'taboo' subject
In society talking about miscarriage is a ‘taboo’ subject. That often comes with awkward silences or inappropriate comments that does not aid in your healing, comments such as “it wasn’t really a baby, yet”.
People usually do not know what to say because, the fact is we do not like to talk about things that make us uncomfortable. But sometimes those grieving from the loss of a child, merely want someone to take a moment to listen and to be heard.
If a woman is talking, then she making steps to recovering.
it was my faith in god that kept me
It took a while for me to open up about my miscarriage. The first person is told was God. Prayer was an essential part for me. I literally poured everything out to him. Some in words but most in tears. Connecting with God enabled me to talk up and express my experience with other people. Before you ask, no I did not blame God for my miscarriage. When something devasting happens, it does not automatically mean it is God’s fault. It was my faith in God that sustained me, through him I was able to say I HAD A MISCARRAGE!
When I began to speak to others, it was apparent that I was not the only one. Many women have experienced the same. Speaking with other women who have felt my hurt, was encouraging. I could see that just as they have healed, so could I. We heal but we never forget our angel babies.
Men are hurting too!
Remember women are not the only ones who are grieving, our partners also share the same pain. We often forget that they are just as heartbroken as we are. But sometimes suppress that devastation to comfort and support us. Remember them also and check in on how they are feeling and dealing with your baby departing from you both.
Just know it is ok not to be ok. Recovering from losing your baby takes time and talking about it helps. It does not have to be a lonely experience, accept support. Open up about your feelings and one day you will reach a place, where you feel you can open the door and step into the world again.
Lets Talk, Listen and Support.
Sash x
